Kind Leaders Reframe from "Difficult People" to "Difficult Situations"...

All people are difficult. That is the truth. Reframing your own thinking from "difficult people" to "difficult situations" helps everyone move forward together to solve problems and meet organizational goals.

As a leader or supervisor at work, I'm sure you've been in the situation where you have to work with an employee to solve a problem (potentially a recurring problem) and you find yourself feeling a sense of dread and anxiety. You might be thinking to yourself, "This is going to be unpleasant because X is a difficult person to deal with."

Maybe you feel that they are "difficult" because you've asked them to do something before and they simply didn't do it. Even after you reminded them a number of times. Or maybe their body language makes them appear resistant to your request: crossed arms, rolling eyes. Or maybe they argued with you when you asked them to do something or to change their work process or behavior.

Team members may get labeled as "difficult" if their leader feels the person has a pattern of resisting the leader's requests, and/or acting in ways that go again the company's values, or one of the leader's values.

But labeling people as "difficult" isn't a good idea.

That's because, in truth, all people are "difficult". Every single person can be stubborn, tired, hangry, get overwhelmed and act in ways that aren't easy for a leader to deal with and manage. And giving someone an unpleasant label like "difficult" is an unkind judgment that can interfere with actually getting the work done that needs to be done and working together as a team.

So, if you find that you, as a leader, have labeled a team member as "difficult", here's what I'd like you to do. I'd like you to stop focusing on the person and their behavior, and start thinking about what situations that unwanted behavior appears in and what the negative consequence for the team and organization is.

Here's a couple of examples:

• Employee A is chronically late. Instead of arriving by their scheduled time of 8:00 am and being all logged in and ready to work at their start time, they arrive somewhere between 8:15 and 8:30 am. Because of that, other team members have to field extra client calls.

• Employee B argues with you when a change in work policy is given. They tell you all the reasons that they cannot work in a different way and then continue to work in the old way. Because of that, it takes three times as long for Employee B to complete customer quotes using the old way, and business is lost because quotes take too long.

As a leader, you might have already labeled both employees as "difficult". Employee A because they display a chronic, unwanted behavior (lateness) and Employee B because they are "resistant" to change and they argue.

And that's not surprising because you may have attended HR presentations, or read leadership books and articles on "Difficult People" and "Difficult Employees". Automatically thinking about someone this way may be habitual and unconscious for you.

The first thing that you need to do to break the habit of thinking "This employee is a difficult person", is to become conscious of when you are thinking about someone that way, Pay attention to how your own body feels (that hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach or clenched jaw) when you need to interact with the team member (especially around a chronic issue). Then pay attention to your thoughts. Notice when you are thinking to yourself "I just can't stand dealing with Employee B...they are just a difficult person."

Then, when you notice those feelings and thoughts, deliberately reframe to focus on the situation, not the person.

You can do that by:

1. Thinking about the situation from the customer's point of view. What is a customer not getting that they need because of the situation. For Employee A, the customer isn't getting their phone call answered by the person who has the most information! For Employee B, customers aren't getting the quotes they need so that they can have the product they need to serve their customers.

2. Determining what company and/or team Targets aren't being met. For Employee A, punctuality standards are (or should be) stated clearly in the Employee Handbook. The consequences for not following those policies should also be clearly stated. For Employee B, the team could have a Target of turning all quotes around in 24 hours. That's not a personal request, it's a company work standard requirement.

3. Understanding what company or team value or HR policy is being broken. In general, as people, we feel particularly upset when something goes against one or more of our values or written policies. So, if Teamwork is a company value, then Employee A's chronic lateness may be seen as going against that value as other team members have to pick up their slack. If Employee B constantly argues or refuses to work in the new way the company has agreed to work in, that is going against company policy.

Once you have reframed your own thinking you can state the problem as a situational problem instead of a person problem:

• Difficult Situation 1: Our company punctuality policy is not being followed so that customers don't get what they need and team members are overwhelmed.

• Difficult Situation 2: Company targets are not being met because work is not being done according to our latest standards.

The beauty of doing this, is that you can now have a discussion with the employees involved in which instead of focusing on blaming them, and having them get upset and defensive, you can now focus on customer and company needs and policies. You can share facts (your team members have had to cover 72 extra calls in the last two weeks; 50 % of quotes weren't sent to our customers within 24 hours) and focus on policy and performance gaps.

As a leader, you can also share your company's policies on what will happen if the gap isn't closed. Situation A: Company punctuality policy will be enforced with a verbal warning, written warning and possible termination if punctuality doesn't improve. Situation B: Supervisor or trainer will work with the person to make sure that they have the skills, tools and training needed to work in the new way. If the person chooses not to after that, then the employee can be referred to HR.

When you frame problems as situational problems, not people problem, even when they are difficult, it's easier to maintain better relationships with your team members. Instead of taking their actions personally, you can simply see that there is a gap to what the organization and your team needs.

So next time you hear that voice in your head saying, "Oh no, I don't want to deal with Employee Z today...they are so difficult", simply remind yourself that all people are difficult and that you just need to reframe. Because you can, and do, deal with difficult situations successfully all the time!