You Have the Power to Counter Unkindness at Work

Use these four steps when you see or hear someone being treated unkindly in your workplace.

My 4 Step Approach to Countering Unkindness and Meanness at Work

Have you ever been in a meeting at work where someone shares an idea and someone else responds meanly by saying something like “that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard”? If you have, you probably didn’t know what to do or how to respond. Especially if the person who said the unkind words was someone in power such as a supervisor or manager.  

Same thing might happen if you see a team mate insulting someone who made a mistake because they were new, or just because mistakes happen.

Workplaces abound with unkindness and meanness. 

When something like the above situations happen, it’s hard to know what to do. In the moment, you may feel fearful that if you speak up, you might be the next victim of the meanness. Or that your job might be in jeopardy. You might feel “frozen” with fear, or that there is nothing that you, as one person can do. And if, and when, you don’t respond, you may feel guilty and disappointed in yourself. And powerless.

But you aren’t powerless and there is something you can do.

It’s a simple 4 step approach that you can use anytime you encounter someone who is being treated meanly at work. It works if the perpetrator of the unkindness is someone in a power position, and it works if the perpetrator is a peer.

Here are the 4 steps:

1. Start with you. Calm yourself before you respond. Both to the person who has experienced the workplace unkindness and to the person who perpetrated that unkindness. Take three to five deep breaths, do a body scan for tension and center yourself before responding. You need to be calm in order to help someone else.

2. Focus on the person who has experienced the unkindness. Often, our first reaction is to “go after” the person who has perpetrated the unkindness. But that often backfires because both people are angry and in a heightened state. Instead, focus your efforts first on the person who has experienced the unkindness. Let them know that you empathize and sympathize with what they are going through. Reassure them that even if they made a mistake, no one has the right to treat them unkindly and shout at them or say derogatory and demeaning things to them. Ask them if there is a way that you can best help them and offer your suggestions about what you can do to help. Stay with the person as long as needed.

3. Make a plan to deal with the person perpetrating the unkindness. Let your manager know what you saw and heard and ask for their help. Get HR involved. Call the anonymous reporting line if your organization has one. Report the infraction to your legal department. Taking action will both help the person who experienced the unkindness and will help you feel more powerful in the situation.

4. Circle back with the person who experienced the unkindness. Reach back out to them in the next day or two. Check in to see how they are doing. Remind them again that unkindness is “the bad” of the perpetrator, not them, the victim, the person who experienced the unkindness.

   
   

And please remember, it’s not just unkind, mean acts that harm people. Unkind, mean words can be just as hurtful and harmful as physical blows. As I always say, “Sticks and stones break bones. Bones can heal. Unkind words stay with people for the rest of their lives and become their negative self-talk.” Especially if those words come from people in power such as a manager or supervisor, or people in perceived power, such as someone on social media or a political figure.

Please practice and use these 4 steps every time you see or hear people being treated meanly at work. And please share them with others so they too can use them to respond with kindness and support. You might not be in a powerful leadership position at work, but it doesn't mean you don't have the power to counter unkindness when you see it.