AI is not your friend (literally)...

Some (might be controversial and unpopular) thoughts on why increased use of AI is leading to a decrease in kindness.

I've noticed something that is troubling lately. People who I'm coaching and working with referring to AI tools as their thought-partner, or friend, or confidante. That's troubling to me because:

1. AI is a "thing". It's not a person. About twenty years ago, I worked in customer service at a payroll company, and even though people were only supposed to contact me every two weeks, when it was time to report their payroll, they often called more often than that. Some even called daily. Why? Because, as they said, "They didn't have anyone else nice to talk to." At the time, I was horrified. What happened to people's connection with family? With friends? With neighbors? I worried about what would happen in the future, and apparently I wasn't worried for nothing. Today, people are starting to reach out to ChatGPT and other AI platforms on a daily basis, looking for connection, but connection and relationships are with humans, and AI isn't human, it's a THING!

2. Kindness is "rooted" in human connection. Learning how to be empathetic and compassionate (the "roots" of kind thoughts, kind words and kind actions) is dependent on interacting with people. Even difficult people and difficult situations. So, the more people look to, and rely upon, AI for connection and relationship, the less opportunity they will have to practice the behaviors needed to learn how to be kind.

What I fear is that as people increasingly rely on interactions with AI instead of relationships with people, kindness will decrease.

Let's dive into this a little more deeply.

People aren't born kind - or unkind. They learn how to be kind from their interactions with the people around them (especially their leaders), and from practicing empathy and kindness in all kinds of relationships: loving family ones, friendships, difficult relationships with people in the workplace, and being in communities of people with different viewpoints.

From the people I know who literally refer to AI as their "friend" or "thought-partner", one of the things they've told me they like is that the responses they receive when interacting with AI are always supportive of their point of view, affirming and positive such as "I like the way you think" and "You're right!" People enjoy the affirmation they receive. Just like the people who called me every day just to "chat" when I was a customer service representative.

The difference is, when "chatting" with an AI platform, there is no opportunity to practice what to do when the person on the other side of the conversation doesn't agree with you. Says something that may inadvertently (or intentionally) hurt your feelings. Or doesn't affirm your beliefs and opinions. Because that is where learning to be empathetic and compassionate starts. And improves with practice. When I was growing up, and argued with a friend while walking home from school, when I got home, I would take time to think and reflect on the argument. And put myself in their shoes: They said they weren't feeling well, so maybe their temper was short. Or, I knew their family was going through a divorce, so maybe they weren't reacting to what I was saying, but to something else going on. Then, instead of expunging that person from my life, I thought, instead of what I could do to learn more about what they were going through, and what I could do to help. Then, the next morning I walked to school with them again. We probably both apologized, and then went on being friends. Over years of practice in all kinds of relationships, I learned how to be empathetic and compassionate and treat people kindly. It wasn't easy (and still often isn't), but it is worth it. To me, and to the people I live with and work with with.

Truth is that all people are difficult. And that dealing with difficult people and difficult situations has a purpose. It teaches us how to be kind to others and kind to ourselves. Even if it is a struggle and takes time.

Another truth is that kindness takes time. It takes time to sit down with someone and listen (really listen with open eyes, open ears, open mind and an open heart as I always say). Especially if you know that person doesn't have the same perspective as you do. It takes time to think about things from another person's point of view. It takes time for the give and take that will create a real relationship and firm connection with someone. And unkindness often occurs when people are rushing. Maybe you are late for work and the barista doesn't make your order right the first time. Because you are in a rush, you are more likely to say something unkind or in an unkind tone of voice. The less time we feel that we have to spend on creating connection and understanding, and just focus on the "getting the result we need", the less kindness there will be.

Finally, when people feel fearful, they are less likely to act, speak or think kindly. Right now, there is a lot of fear about both the short and long-term affects of AI on individuals and society. Fear that AI will (and is being) used to replace people's jobs and livelihoods. Fear that AI will be (and is being) used to spread disinformation, misinformation and propaganda. And when people people feel fear, they tend to focus on themselves and what they need and react in fearful ways that are unkind. Fighting with others (fight), ignoring others (flight) and just feeling stuck and disconnected (freeze).

I believe that using AI has many potential benefits. It may be able to analyze large data sets and look for patterns quickly to help with medical breakthroughs. It can take trainings that you create based on your organization's mission, vision and values and needs and turn them into a workbook or manual first draft easily. It's a great tool to use to reach an end.

But it's not your friend.

Friends, no matter how difficult and imperfect and frustrating and (at times) exasperating they are, are human beings. Who help us learn how to practice empathy and compassion so that we can treat others (and ourselves) kindly. So that we learn how to make, and stay, connected, when things and times are good, and when they aren't easy. When we agree, and even when we don't agree.

So here's my ask of you today (and every day).

If (and when) you need a thought partner to bounce ideas off of, ask a colleague to go out for a coffee. Or a friend out for a beer. Chat with your neighbor while walking your dog down the street. Ask their opinion. And listen to their answer (with open eyes, open ears, an open mind and an open heart). If you feel like "chatting" with someone, call your partner or spouse, or kids or aunt and uncle or grandparents. Or the former friend you haven't talked to in a long time, but secretly miss. Use your empathy and compassion and kindness to create connections where they didn't exist before, strengthen relationships and build communities.

Because that is what our humanity, and kindness can do. Even - and especially - when it's hard! We just need to practice.