23 Reflections on What I've Learned About Kindness and Kind Leadership

It's almost my birthday! To celebrate, I'm going to write twenty-three short reflections on what I've learned throughout my almost 63 years about kindness and kind leadership. Here is the first: The most important thing is to be accepted for who you are...and to accept people for who they are!

I often say that parents are their child's first leaders as well as their first teachers. And that, as children, we learn how to be kind (or not) from how our parents treat us, and others. We also receive our very first model of leadership (kind or unkind) from our interactions with our parents throughout our childhood.

Growing up, my parents didn't accept me for who I was.

Reflecting back on my childhood, I think "who I was" wasn't what my parents expected. I believe that they expected someone who was compliant and would "do what they were told". That wasn't me. I believe they expected someone who was going to be conservative in their beliefs and thinking. That wasn't me. I believe they expected someone who would be super-social, love to be part of a group and a team player. That wasn't me. I believe they expected someone who would play a stereotypically female role. I believe they expected someone who would fit in, follow the rules and lead a "traditional" life. That wasn't me. And it still isn't today!

As a child, as my parents often told me that I "marched to the beat of my own drummer". It wasn't a compliment. I could feel their frustration that I didn't seem to want to follow the rules. The rules of fashion (my mother would have liked me to wear skirts, use make up and wear jewellery...but I liked jeans and always looked a bit disheveled). The rules of "being popular" - do what you need to do to fit in! The rules of conservative thinking!

And they were frustrated because no matter how much they scolded, punished and cajoled, I didn't give in and conform to their idea and expectations of who I should be. I steadfastly remained myself. No matter how hard it was for me. No matter how sad it made me feel. No matter how difficult it was to come home to disapproving looks and unkind, unsupportive remarks like "Well, if you would just dress and act like everyone else, your classmates would be nicer to you and you wouldn't be bullied."

Not being accepted for who I was by my parents taught me some unpleasant things about unkindness and unkind leadership.

But I didn't just learn about the negative effects of not being accepted for who I was from my parents. I also had the opportunity to learn about the positive effects of being accepted.

My father was a great athlete and a professor of physical education. I didn't inherit the "sports gene" in any way, shape or form. I'm an artist, and spent most of my childhood drawing, painting and creating. I never played on a single sports team, and was always last to be chosen in PE class. My father taught most of the PE teachers I ever had. And not once did he ever make me feel bad about my lack of athletic ability. In fact, when I was in my forties and trying to relearn how to ride a bicycle, he came and pushed me and ran along behind me!

As a parent of now adult children, one of the things that I believe is that as people, we come pretty much how we are going to be from birth. That although "nurture" does play a role in how we learn to interact with the world (including whether we treat others kindly or unkindly), it doesn't fundamentally change our "nature", who we are as people. My son and my daughter, two wonderfully unique and different people, have pretty much the same temperaments and constellation of strengths and things that are more challenging for them, as they did when they were born. I (and my husband) have been able to help them learn different ways to use their strengths to overcome challenges and to figure out ways to help themselves learn and grow into themselves, but it hasn't fundamentally changed who they are.

And we wouldn't want it to. Because we've accepted both of them for who they are. With all their fabulous attributes and their struggles as well. Because accepting people for who they fundamentally are is the best way that you can be kind to them.

The truth is that each of us, at our core, wants to be accepted, welcomed and loved for who we are. Not who others want us to be.

And that is what kindness is truly all about.

Accepting, welcoming and loving others for who they are. And when we accept, welcome and love people for who they are, we "lead with kindness" and create the conditions for them to accept themselves, be kind to themselves and others, and learn to lead with kindness as well!

As I'm about to turn sixty-three, I have to say that I'm fundamentally the same person I was as a child: creative, strong, persistent, unique, idealistic, optimistic, caring and kind, to name a few of my positive attributes. And I wouldn't want to be any different! Those attributes have served me well, whether others have accepted me for them, or not!

Today, please take moment to reflect on whether you have felt accepted for who you are, and whether you accept others for who they are.

Because the most important thing about being kind is simply accepting people (including yourself) for who they are.

I hope you enjoyed this reflection. I'd love to hear your experiences, thoughts and comments. And I'll be posting 22 more of these! One for every day until I get to my birthday!